the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm just crazy horny about you
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
