so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
