My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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