I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
