wake up i wanna do it froggy style
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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