I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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