I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
