my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
