i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
this boner is exhausting
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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