so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
