I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
