I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
His nipple licking is glorious
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