I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
