I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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