dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
