my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
