Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Randomize
