I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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