i already hear my dad disowning me
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
In other news, I just burned my penis
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
