I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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