Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
