12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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