Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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