my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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