so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
