Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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