i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
