If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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