Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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