I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
