Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
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I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
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Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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