I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
