I only kidnapped one of them. chill
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
