I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
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He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
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I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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