Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
