I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
