just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
