i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
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