i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
