Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
