forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
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Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
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I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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