Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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