i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
