Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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