God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
