So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
