I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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