no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
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What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
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No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
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