i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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