i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
