Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
