thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
