Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
