I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
The air taste purple.
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