I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
