i always forget guys have bellybuttons
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
