now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
