his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Randomize
