if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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